Witty Christmas Quotes

• People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December. - Ogden Nash
• Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? - Bill Watterson
• There has been only one Christmas -- the rest are anniversaries. - W. J. Cameron
• The threat of Christmas hung in the air, visible already in the fretful look of passersby as they readied themselves for the meaningless but necessary rites of false jovialities and ill-considered gifts. - Peter Dickinson
• Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you're home. - Carol Nelson
• Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money? - Tom Armstrong
• The only real blind person at Christmas-time is he who has not Christmas in his heart. - Helen Keller
• The fact that I have no remedy for the sorrows of the world is no reason for my accepting yours. It simply supports the strong possibility that yours is a fake. - Henry Louis Mencken
• Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music. - Tom Sims
• I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. - Bernard Manning
• Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’. - Robert Paul
• He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree- Roy L. Smith
• When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs? - G.K. Chesterton
• Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard
• Christmas isn't a season. It's a feeling. - Edna Ferber
• At Christmas, 'It's a Wonderful Life' makes me cry in exactly the same places every time, even though I know it's coming - Nicholas Lea
• Please to put a nickel, please to put a dime. How petitions trickle in at Christmas time! - Phyllis McGinley
• Santa is our culture's only mythic figure truly believed in by a large percentage of the population. It's a fact that most of the true believers are under eight years old, and that's a pity. - Chris Van Allsburg
• You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger. - Robert Paul
• The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. - Johnny Carson
• Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson
• Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. - Phyllis Diller
• The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. - Joan Rivers
• Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. - Victor Borge
• There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. - P.J. O'Rourke
• Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. - Larry Wilde
• Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. – Anonymous
• Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. – Anonymous
• Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet. – Anonymous